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Editor M.Aktar
Two wise women once told me ‘’You cannot protect your children from the hurt they will face in life but you can prepare them for it’’. This came from a woman whose childhood had been spent hiding under bed covers from her abusive father and fearing for her mothers life. Another one who had never had the opportunity to sit in a room with both her parents. Their stories are far longer than what I can even begin to express in these few sentences and even more disheartening.
We often fantasize about being the super heroes of our children and put the pressure upon ourselves to ‘’save’’ them from the harsh realities of the world. As beautiful as this world may be there are some things you cannot predict such as the death of a loved one; a divorce between yourself and your soul mate 5 years down the lines; a child’s abandonment of a parent. I could lie to you, as we do to children, and title this blog ‘’How to raise a happy child!’’.
Yet in all this despair what I can advise you on is ’’How to raise emotionally intelligent children’’. This will be by sharing mindful parenting strategies that will make you a conscious parent when trying to raise emotionally intelligent kids.
It starts with yourself
Many follow the mantra ‘’Although I was messed up as a kid. I’m going to make sure my kids are not messed up!’’ The problem with this is the fact that a lot of people don’t actually know what messed them up as kids. Our patterns and choices in life are largely defined by how our childhood affects us. The School of life has an informative video on how it’s important to understand your own childhood.
Yet this does not stop here. We also need to understand how the behaviours that our parents implemented affect us as an adult. I have recently purchased a book called: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. This book has a beautiful insight on how the upbringing of your parents have affected you in the long run and is an amazing journey on healing your own childhood traumas. This is key to avoiding the same mistakes your parents made with you and avoiding negative hereditary patterns.
How to be a Mindful parent when talking about big issues
Many parents struggle to either refuse to tell their children the truth or overshare. It’s always difficult to find a balance but it is crucial.
Here are some no go topics with your child:
- Negative things about the other parent and/or family members
- Talking about financial difficulties that the child has no control of.
- Physical flaws you see in yourself
- Criticizing your child in front of them or in their ear shot
There are many more topics that should not be discussed with children. All these topics produce low self worth within children and can be detrimental to their emotional growth. These are factors that cannot be controlled by your child. There are many studies that support this view and you can read up on it here. It is appalling to see children deal with these difficult topics when you are aware of the long term effects it may have. The main would be ‘’low self confidence, self esteem and attachment issues’’.
Children stop believing in themselves and never feel capable of reaching their full potential. However, it can manifest in other ways such as; getting into unhealthy relationships, negative self talk and many other factors that affect. If you’ve been doing this for many years and only now realise that this isn’t right. Stop now and explain to your child your mistakes and tell them you’ll try your best to not make these mistakes.
These were inspire by https://www.instagram.com/sitwithwhit
There are some things perfectly fine to share with your child that most people don’t:
- Telling your child when you are sad.
You don’t have to explain why it’s a simple sentence of ‘’I’m feeling sad today because of XYZ. I think a cuddle would be nice’’ or ‘’Lets just relax today.’’ What this does is show children that there are lots of different emotions that happen. If you’re going through an emotion happy or sad. Here is the structure of how to explain it to a 3 – 5 year old.
Step 1: Name the emotion
Step 2: Name the scenario (Without names of the people involved)
Step 3: Name the coping strategy.
Here are some examples:
‘’I am very frustrated because someone said something that wasn’t nice to me today so I am going to call my mum and talk to her to get it off my chest.’’
‘’I am very sad because my friend said something I didn’t like. I will speak to them tomorrow about making me upset.’’
‘’I am feeling a bit scared because I watched a video that scared me. I might hang out with you and daddy for a while until i’m not afraid anymore.’’
These help your child understand what to do with these emotions and that it’s normal. They don’t suddenly panic when they’re sad or angry. They begin to learn healthy coping strategies.
How to learn to break down big concepts:
Many people I know find it difficult to break down big topics with little children, especially, when they’re not around children all the time. I would advise parents to use books as a guideline. A marvelous book I used to help teach children about worries was one called Ruby’s Worry by Tom Percival or a book about managing anger called The Red Beast. Children’s books are the best guideline for breaking down those barriers. Some struggle with talking about emotions but if you follow children’s stories or read books it is easy to break down big concepts and learn new coping strategies! I have a discount available for those interested in purchasing emotion books click the image below for your discount.
If you want more positive parenting strategies download my guide for Top Tips for Managing Difficult behaviour in children.
